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    Relationship Repair

    Work through conflict with a structured repair conversation guide based on Gottman research

    RootCalm

    RootCalm

    Therapeutic Anger Management • Wellness Programme

    Relationship Repair Worksheet

    Therapeutic worksheet

    www.root-calm.com

    Why this worksheet matters

    Conflict is inevitable in close relationships, but it doesn't have to be destructive. Relationship research emphasises the value of making repair attempts after conflict. This worksheet guides you through a structured repair process that can support understanding and reconnection.

    Gottman's "Four Horsemen" & Their Antidotes

    Criticism

    Antidote: Gentle start-up

    Instead of 'You never help!' try 'I'd really appreciate help with the dishes tonight.'

    Contempt

    Antidote: Build appreciation

    Instead of eye-rolling, express what you value about them.

    Defensiveness

    Antidote: Take responsibility

    Instead of 'That's not my fault!' try 'You're right, I should have remembered.'

    Stonewalling

    Antidote: Self-soothe, then return

    Instead of shutting down, say 'I need 20 minutes to calm down, then I'll come back.'

    Click any that showed up in your recent conflict.

    Example
    Repair Conversation Example

    Soft start-up: "I want to talk about last night. I'm not trying to blame you; I just want us to understand each other better."

    Taking responsibility: "I know I raised my voice, and that wasn't okay."

    Expressing the need: "What I really needed was to feel like we're a team."

    Repair attempt: "Can we agree to check in with each other before making big plans?"

    1
    What happened?

    2
    My role in the conflict

    3
    Their perspective (empathy stretch)

    4
    What I was really feeling underneath the anger

    5
    What I actually need

    6
    My soft start-up

    Write how you'd open the repair conversation, gently, without blame.

    7
    What I appreciate about this person

    8
    My repair statement & commitment going forward

    Gottman's Repair Principles

    Soften Your Start-Up

    Begin the conversation gently. No blame, criticism, or contempt. Use 'I' statements.

    Accept Influence

    Be willing to be moved by your partner's perspective, even when you disagree.

    Make Repair Attempts

    Use humour, affection, or de-escalation to interrupt negativity before it spirals.

    Physiological Self-Soothing

    If either person feels overwhelmed, pause and return after both have had time to settle.

    Remember

    • Repair doesn't mean the conflict was your fault; it means the relationship matters to you.
    • The goal isn't to "win" the argument, it's to understand and reconnect.
    • It takes two to repair. If they're not ready, respect their timing.
    • Every successful repair strengthens the relationship for next time.

    Sources & further reading

    • Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (rev. ed.). Harmony Books.Repair attempts, softened start-up, accepting influence, and physiological self-soothing.
    • Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233.Research on conflict patterns and physiological arousal in couples.

    This worksheet is an original RootCalm adaptation of published, evidence-based methods. It reproduces no third-party worksheet text or layout.

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